Chapter One – Losing Himself
It was not that Jonne had begun to feel like he was a girl – there was always that physical reminder that he was not – but being with Lauri made him feel more confident in himself than he had ever felt before. He did not feel that he had become feminine; it was just that he had been with Kristian so long… The way that Kristian had treated him for so long had turned him into the submissive one, because it was just easier if he did what was asked of him and did not cause a fuss. He had become so submissive, in fact, that it made him feel like he was not equal anymore – that he was the passive one, he was the quiet one; he was the one who took the orders, and Kristian was the one who gave them. That was really what they had become, and when he thought about it, really, he was not sure why he had stayed with Kristian for so long. Probably because it was easier than being lonely. And he had not realized what a relationship with Lauri offered him; or even that the real possibility of having one had existed.
Chapter Two – Less Of A Man, More Of A Man
He supposed that in a way that the way Kristian had treated him did make him feel like less of a man. He liked wearing black panties and miniskirts for Kris, but somehow Lauri not wanting him to do these things made him suddenly wonder if he’d ever wanted to do them at all. He was masculine; he was a man, and he had finally grown confident in his own body, and comfortable in his own skin. At first, when he was younger, he had always thought himself much too skinny; bony, really, and he’d always been self-conscious about it. He thought that maybe the lace and makeup had been a convenient mask to hide behind; he couldn’t be self-conscious, if he didn’t show himself. He did not know how he had wound up wearing those outfits in the first place; he had not been conscious of the transition, or whether it had been him or Kristian that had initiated it. He suspected that Kristian had said something about it at the sex shop or brought something home for him, and he had always been a good lover, and very eager to please, so he had told himself that he liked it too, and had not even had a second thought about it. He was not entirely sure he did not like it, either, but he wanted to at least give himself time to think about it, and if he really liked it enough that he wanted to introduce it into his relationship with Lauri. The more he thought about it, the more he realized Lauri might push himself to do it, the way he had, and might, in the end, come to resent him for it. He did not think it was worth all that.
Suddenly, a change came over him: he thought he had filled out rather nicely now that he was older, and in a way, he almost liked the way his ribs stuck out from his body and the way he looked if he wore his jeans below the line of his hipbones. He liked the way Lauri watched him when he would stretch and make his t-shirt rise up to show his taut stomach; the way it aroused him. It aroused Jonne too, to know that he could produce that reaction in Lauri, who so produced that reaction in him. The chemistry was not lacking in their relationship, to be sure. He loved Lauri with all of his heart and the fact that his body pleased him; that, even though it was unbelievable at first, Lauri found him attractive as he was, not as he could be if he made himself pretty, if he made himself up… that empowered him more than anything ever had before. Lauri liked the glitz and glamour, but Lauri liked what was underneath, too. And because of all this, he was not repulsed by the sight of himself in the mirror anymore, but he did not grow cocky, either. No, it was only confidence; knowing that he was everything he needed to be. He was enough for Lauri; he could see it in his eyes – that deep color, light brown with a touch of olive, so different that it captured him every time he looked in them. He knew from looking in those eyes that he was all that Lauri wanted, and that was more than enough for him. He always wanted to be better for Lauri, but he did not feel inadequate, not ever; Lauri made sure of that.
Chapter Three – His Happy Ending
Jonne could see that Lauri lost himself just as much in his eyes, and that made him feel good. He was happy to be Jonne Aaron Liimatainen and he was happy to know that he had worked for his dream and accomplished it. He had gotten almost everything he’d ever wanted, and though there were days that he thought he wouldn’t make it through – after all, he was only human, and life was life – for the first time, he could honestly say that he was happy with the place he found himself in. And through it all, he had Lauri standing behind him – holding him up, making him smile when he felt like he never would again, and making him laugh through his tears. He had found his happy ending, he knew it; he could not say that he would never frown again, but he knew he could say that even if Lauri were the cause of it in the first place (they were not perfect, certainly), Lauri would be the cure for it, in the end.