"I'm Lost In My Heaven"
by Krissy









The day Lauri and I met, everything went wrong.

In those days, I was depressed to say the least. And that day was particularly bad. I had come home to find the flat my girlfriend and I shared completely empty except for a mattress, my favorite guitar, and a note that said she'd found someone else. After smashing the guitar and ripping the sheets and mattress to shreds, I was about to take a kitchen knife to my wrist when there was a knock at the door. It was Lauri. He had just moved in next door, and, hearing the racket, had grown concerned. I don't know exactly why he cared, but he did. He brought me over to his place and let me drink his whiskey and cry on his shoulder until I fell asleep in his arms. And from that moment on, I never left them.

I love him more than anything, and I cannot separate myself from him. I've tried. I am completely dependant on him, to an extent that it's unhealthy, to an extent where I cannot breathe even at the thought of living one moment without him.

Most of the time things aren't so bad. Sometimes we laugh together, cry together, make love.... It's those times I stay for. But there are a few times that we fight, and it tears me apart. Usually it's my fault. I am so scared he's going to get mad at me and want to leave me that I actually cause him to get mad at me and want to leave me. It's those times I never know what to say to him. And no matter what I do say, it's never the right thing. I say "I love you" when he wants me to say "bye". I say "bye" when he wants me to say "I love you".

He's sitting there across from me tuning his guitar, and I'm crying because we've just fought. I told him I wanted to go out for a beer. He said "fine." But the way he said it, he sounded so upset with me. And I knew he was. So I added, "...but I won't go if you don't want me to go." He responded with, "Just go." Fearing that he was angry with me, I replied, "I don't want to go if you're going to be mad at me for it." And then the fight started. "Goddamnit Kristian can't you just fucking go?! Why does it always have to turn into fucking drama with you?!" I took each blow with tears streaming down my cheeks. I wanted to beg him to stop. I wanted to slit my wrists right in front of him to show him how it makes me feel when he talks to me that way, says those things to me. But instead I told him he was right. That I was horrible. That I was sorry. And finally I found the right thing to say enough times that he stopped yelling. And I crawled into my bed, our bed, pulled the covers over my head, wrapped my arms around myself, and just let it all out.

I've pulled the covers back again and I'm watching him now, tears silently streaming down my cheeks. He's deep in thought. About what? About me? About if he can put up with another fight? If he can put up with me? I don't know. I just want him to hold me.

Finally he looks up and meets my eyes. "I'm going to make a sandwich. Do you want one?"

"N..." I try to speak, but find that my voice is not there. So I clear my throat and try again. "N-no. Th-thank you th-though," I manage.

"Okay." He stands up, sets the guitar gently in its stand, then walks out of the room, toward the kitchen. I hear his footsteps in the hallway, heavy boots making loud clomping noises against the hardwood. For some reason hearing him walk away does it to me all over again, and I begin to sob uncontrollably, gasping for breath, the sorrow wracking my entire body. I am crying so hard I don't hear his footsteps stop and then start coming closer. I don't even notice that he has come back in the room until I feel two arms wrap themselves around me.

"Kristian."

I look up from the pillow, my tear-filled eyes meeting his concerned gaze.

"Come here."

I tear myself free of the covers and nuzzle myself firmly into his arms. But then I remember his sandwich, and almost start the whole thing over again. "B-baby were y-you hungry? Do you w-wanna go make that s-sandwich?" I sniffle.

"Kris--"

"I'll still be here, don't just not eat because of me, I...." I ramble.

"Kristian!"

"Oh god don't be mad at me, please don't be mad at me!" I whimper, closing my eyes and preparing for the fight that I know is to come.

Instead I feel a gentle hand playing with my hair. "Kristian let's not do this. Calm down."

My eyes light up like a Christmas tree. I search his beautiful greenish-brown ones for some sort of emotion and see nothing but love. My heart pounding with joy, I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him with such hunger that I'm sure he realizes I'd been craving his love for so long. I want to savor every blessed second of his affection. I love this feeling. His arms around me tightly, my fingers playing in his curls, my tongue tasting him, letting him explore my mouth, exploring his, exploring our passion, our love. I could kiss him like this forever, but feeling his arousal growing against my thigh makes me painfully aware of my own need for more than this. I want to make him feel the greatest pleasure of his life. My fingertips run over the growing bulge through the material of his pants, driving him insane, making him playfully bite at my bottom lip with his teeth. I smile into our kiss and start to unbutton his pants, my hand snaking into his boxers and wrapping around his cock.

"Mmm, is that for me?" I smile bashfully.

"Indeed it is, my love," he replies, removing my hand from his pants and rolling me onto my back so that he can pin me to the bed.

"I love you so much Lauri," I say as his lips find a particularly sensitive spot on my neck, making me slightly dizzy.

"I know," he smiles against my skin, placing a gentle kiss there before adding, "I love you too."

These are the moments I live for, I realize, allowing him to pull off my t-shirt, watching him remove his own. Of their own accord, my fingertips trace the tribal tattoo on his left arm. I could trace it with my eyes closed, I know the design so well. I know him so well. He tosses his shirt off in the corner somewhere and resumes kissing me, our bare chests now touching. His skin on my own makes me feel so alive. Suddenly he pulls away and smiles at me, smiles so big that I can't help but smile too.

"I have something for you." He gives me one last peck on the lips before getting up out of the bed and backing out of the room, the grin still on his face. "I'll be right back."

My hands fiddle nervously with the sheets as I wait for him to return, still painfully aroused. Soon enough though, I hear his footsteps returning. When he steps into view, I see that he is holding two guitars, one in each hand. One of them looks exactly like my favorite guitar, the one I smashed the night we met.

"I-Is that...?"

He nods. "It's got your name on the fingerboard. Look."

I look down at it and blush when I see 'Sir Christus' on it. His pet name for me. "What's the other one?"

"This one is mine," he smiles, "See?"

I examine it closer and see clearly written on the fingerboard 'Larry Love'. *My* pet name for *him*. Tears begin to fall from my eyes again, but this time they are happy ones. "I love them so much," I tell him. "But not nearly as much as I love you."

He leans them side by side against the wall and crawls back into the bed with me, kissing the tears from my cheeks.

"Lauri?" I ask.

"Hm?"

"Make love to me."

He looks slightly surprised, because usually it's the other way around. "Are you sure?"

I nod and kiss him before whispering in his ear. "I need to feel you inside me."

He stands up and takes off his pants and boxers together, then grins at me from the end of the bed as he pulls mine off. I lift my hips to help him, and soon he is lying naked on top of me. He reaches over to the nightstand and pulls out a little bottle of lube, spreading some on his fingers. He kisses me as he slips one inside, then two, then three, gentle as always. I just keep kissing him, suckling on his tongue, enjoying every little sensation he is making me feel. I begin to moan into our kiss and he pulls his fingers out and smiles at me.

"Think you're ready for the real thing?"

I nod, and smile when he reaches for the bottle of lube again. This time I take it from him, putting some in my hand, rubbing it on his aching hard on. I toy with the idea of teasing him but I pass on the idea, knowing that I need him as badly as he needs me.

Lauri pushes me back to the bed, settling himself between my legs. I feel him against my entrance, and then he slides himself inside. I moan at the pleasure of the long-awaited contact. It's slightly painful, but I know that it will fade, like it always does.

"Don't worry about me," I tell him quietly, knowing he's holding back. "I need you."

His thrusts become a little bit harder and a little bit deeper, enough to make me arch my back. I put my legs over his shoulders and pull him down to kiss me as he continues to make love to me. His hand wraps around me, calloused fingers from years of guitar playing doing things to me that I never thought anyone could ever do. I watch his eyes silently. They tell me everything I need to know. I see so much love in them. I begin to wonder why I don't let him make love to me more often. He makes me feel things that no one's ever made me feel before, and maybe that's the reason I don't let him. I'm so vulnerable to him. I feel like I'm on fire, but it's the best feeling I've ever felt. I watch a droplet of sweat trail down his face and fall onto my chest, mingling with my own, and know that we are one in every sense of the word.

I can feel myself getting close surprisingly fast, the combination of him inside me and his hand around me pulling such deep moans and growls from my throat that it's almost unbelieveable. "God Lauri, I'm gonna--"

"Me too," he cuts me off, his lips desperately colliding with my own.

His thrusts become frenzied - hard, deep, and fast, and his hand stroking me matches the pace. I cry out his name as I feel my orgasm overcome me, and not a second later I hear my name on his lips and feel him let go inside me.

Both of us panting, he kisses me and wipes his hand and my stomach off with his t-shirt. Then he wraps his arms tightly around me, and I nuzzle my face into his neck. We're both sweaty and panting but it doesn't matter. This is complete and utter bliss. As he whispers in my ear that he loves me, I'm lost in my heaven.

~The End~